What Do I know? I’m just a Clown?
Advice from Martin “the Clown” Barry
July / Aug. 2025
Dear Clown,
I take an annual trip with friends to varying destinations. We started this as a way to stay current with each other since we have scattered across the country since graduating high school. There have been highs and lows for each of us along the way, and, until recently, this event always finds us helping each other along. The last few trips were a bit awkward since one of our friends started complaining about all the money spent attending past events. As a group, we have always planned gatherings that had very low expense. A few of these have even been held at a friend’s parents’ house or one of our own homes where we could all stay overnight. We are considering excluding our complaining friend this year since they have already started mentioning expenses by email. We have collectively covered travel expense for this person a few times and we have never mentioned it or asked to be paid back. Would you exclude this person?
Signed, Friend 7
Dear Friend 7,
You situation is not exactly easy. This person has been included for what is apparently a long time. There may be some unrelated reason that this complaining has surfaced. Have they changed jobs? Have they had to pay medical expenses? Is there some other cause that is making them worry about seemingly low expense? If there is not an underlying cause and they are complaining just to complain, then move forward with leaving them off the invite list this year, but assure that the entire group agrees. If something else is the cause for complaint, reach out and help where you are able. That is the reason we have friends.
Best of luck, Clown
Dear Clown,
My sister-in-law has recently identified as an anti-vaxxer. Every “fact” she mentions is false narrative from internet content and recent propaganda. This would not be a big concern except for the fact that she is now pregnant with my niece or nephew. I am afraid that her beliefs will put this child in danger of suffering from treatable disease. What can I do?
Signed, Concerned Future Aunt
Dear CFA,
Efforts to help people find facts and logic are never wasted. The key here will be presenting information discreetly and without being argumentative in any way. The most important person concerned here has not even been born yet. Gather facts from past statistical data showing reduction or elimination of disease, the risks and outcomes of infection, and the long-term risk that this child will face without vaccinations. Discuss this in private with your sister-in-law and be prepared to debunk false information. Should she become argumentative, recommend some time to breathe and continue the discussion again. Please encourage her to discuss this with a pediatrician as well.
Take a shot, Clown
Dear Clown,
My friend, let’s call him “K,” is currently dating a woman that is rather suspect. On four separate occasions, I have seen her out with other men during the day. I have not observed any affectionate contact between her and these other men; however, her body language seems to suggest that there may be a concern for K. K has been talking about leveling up this relationship recently and I don’t want to see my friend get hurt. Should I tell him what I have seen?
Signed, Looking Out
Dear Looking Out,
I can appreciate that you want to protect your friend. The problem here lies in gathering facts. Are these occasions work related or client entertainment? Are any of these contacts family or friends? You said that you have not observed affectionate contact, so that provides a ton of space for fact finding. You might consider a casual “by the way” mention for one of these occasions with your friend, but do not include any personal perspective or concerns. This way, if your friend has any worries, he will be able to address these directly with her.
Cheers! Clown
Dear Clown,
Someone I love dearly has set aside all their potential for an undeserving person. Their relationship places limits on her ability to interact with friends and family as her partner is always looking through her phone and email. I saw her recently at the grocery store and asked if she could get coffee IN the store. She seemed very nervous about this and mentioned that she had to be home at a specific time from shopping. This was not the first time she behaved this way and several of our friends have observed the change in her behavior. She has always been a bright, cheery and free presence and this changed after she got involved with her current partner. While none of us have seen physical evidence of abuse, we are worried for her in this current situation. How can I help her?
Sincerely, Worried
Dear Worried,
Outwardly, it seems that your friend is serving a narcissist, and they are suffering mental abuse at the very least. This is a delicate situation since you do not want them to suffer further abuse, and you do not want to make them feel bad for their choices. Frequently, people in this situation need to be told that you see them and their suffering. Start there and be gentle. Tell her you miss her. Remind her of times she was bright and cheery and contrast this with your latest interaction. Give space where she needs and help her come to terms with getting out of this.
Stay kind, Clown
Do you have a question for the Clown? Write him at [email protected] .
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